Arranged marriages are not a thing of the past. Not yet. Two strangers in a marital cord do not enjoy the same level of intimacy and romance to begin with and need time to get close, both emotionally and physically. Therefore, it is always a subject of mystery as to how much time these couples take before they can consummate their marriage.
A Quora thread discusses this issue, and the answers are convincing and brutally honest. In case you were curious about it too, here are the answers which would give you a peep into the lives of such couples:
An anonymous woman shared her husband’s reaction on their first night
My husband and I waited for 2 months to have sex. My husband was the first & the only match my parents looked into for me. Our families met & approved. Then we went on a couple of dates & hit it off.
I had a notion that men going for an arranged marriage are usually looking for virgin wives, & in some cases with literally not even a non-sexual ex-boyfriend. Even as a child, I found that insulting. I didn’t want to get married to such a guy. What kind of regressive values would he impart to my future children? Even though he didn’t strike me as one, I kept everything on the table. I had a long term relationship, we broke up, & another serious relationship just didn’t happen. I stated that I’m obviously not a virgin, and I’m not ashamed of it. So, if he’s looking for a virginal woman, I’m not it. And even if I was, I wouldn’t want to get married to a guy who expected that of me. I said all this when me & my now-husband weren’t even close enough to hold hands. His reaction? He laughed so hard! He asked me if I thought he was a guy from 1950s or just an obnoxious jerk. He said he’s glad I shared it with him, & went on to tell me about his past. He said even though he didn’t have a preference, he didn’t expect to have a virgin wife. A grown-ass virgin woman comes with her hang ups & he didn’t want to have to ‘teach’ anyone stuff in late 20s.
We got engaged, & married after a month. Since everything happened so fast after our engagement due to a one-month wedding prep time, our relationship didn’t grow during that time.
After the wedding ceremony, we were driven to a hotel. I still remember it. This is how are ‘first night’ went.
4am-4.20am – Checked in
4.20am-4.40am – I sat, he knelt on both knees, & held my hands. He told me how beautiful I looked, how lucky he is to able to call himself my husband now, & showered me with the best compliments ever!
4.40am – He realized I was too uncomfortable in the wedding attire to even sit, & started helping me unpinning my heavy ass palla[veil].
7am – We were done taking off my palla[veil], a million hair & safety pins, hair extentions, makeup, & jewelry.
7am-8am – We bathed, changed into our regular clothes, & had breakfast
8am – We lay on the bed, half a foot apart but holding hands, & talked about all the things that happened at the wedding. Somewhere while talking, we fell asleep.
7pm – His friends woke us up with a door bell. We had a couple of rituals, & took off for our honeymoon the next day.
It was an 8 hour flight. We got off the plane & went straight to our hotel. To be honest, that’s when I finally realized I was on a HONEYMOON! PEOPLE GO ON HONEYMOON TO HAVE SEX! All the first-night jokes my friends cracked were coming back to me. My husband had paid for a 2-week UK tour for us himself. He didn’t take money from his dad, my dad, or even from my savings despite my repeated insistence. And I have a lot of male friends, so I know how guys think. He was spending a lot of money, & guys usually expect action when they splurge on a girl they aren’t in love with. So yes, I was shitting my pants.
It was late, so we unpacked & had a light dinner at the hotel. He went to the hotel’s gym, & said: “Wait up for me if you’re not too tired”
It was time for sex. I was literally shivering as I walked back to the room. I know he was my husband, but we hadn’t even kissed yet. I was in no shape or form ready to get intimate with him. I thought I should pretend to fall asleep, but for how many days could I do that? I didn’t want to disappoint him the first night of our honeymoon by being the ‘I have a headache’ wife. He had been so nice to me. But then, I didn’t owe him sex just because he was being nice. But, his sister-in-law had specially accompanied me for lingerie shopping, & gotten me the ‘first night’ dress. [So creepy!] I know it makes no sense, but I was feeling like a slut as I was about to have sex with a guy I barely knew. I didn’t feel like his wife yet! But what option did I have? The black babydoll was lying on the bed & I was trying to summon the courage to put it on. Then I heard: “Don’t you think it’s too soon to wear that? I just wanted us to go for a walk.”
I hadn’t realized I had spent a whole hour thinking & he was back from the gym. The pressure was so much that I, a 24-year-old grown ass woman, burst into tears, all the while chanting “Thank you”, “I’m so sorry”, “I can do it if you want”, “I can’t do it”. He hugged me & held me tight to calm me down. What he told me next honestly laid the foundation of our relationship.
“You’re my wife & we didn’t get married for you to please me. I didn’t get a chance to meet you as a regular girl, and I regret that. I didn’t get a chance to be your friend, then fall for you & pursue you, & take you out on a first date. We didn’t get a chance to build a relationship. We jumped directly to the last step of getting married, but I still want us to have a healthy relationship. I still want to go through all those steps. You are my wife, & I don’t want to strip you of your self respect with your clothes. I don’t want you to just lay on your back as I claim my husband rights. You will some day be the mother of my children, & I want to keep you on that pedestal always. We will someday make love, but you don’t owe it to me. Let it come naturally, & we’ll enjoy every step of falling in love as it comes”
If I think back, that was the moment I started falling in love with him. I had never expected a real man to have this sort of a thought process.
Another Quora user talked about how pre-marital sex made their married life easier:
Ours was an arranged marriage, but we did not wait till our wedding to do what couples do on their special night.I am a normal looking guy and I graduated from IIT. Now being from a premier institute makes the following things easy – 1) Most of the guys have never been in a relationship before 2) There is no dearth of marriage proposals on matrimony sites.
Being of the right age to get married (according to my parents), a profile was made on one of the websites and the search began. We visited a few families and at last we came to the house of my to be wife. She was sweet looking and I was struck with infatuation at first sight. According to the Indian customs, the bride and groom are given some time to get to know each other. She told me that she has never been in a relationship before. My friends (mostly boys and few girls), had told me to ask that one question which everyone wants to know. Is she a virgin ? I wanted to know that. (NOTE: I am not against pre-marital sex. I just wanted to know because I was a virgin and did not know what to expect on our first night). I did not ask her.
Marriage was soon fixed. There are rules prohibiting to be husband and wife to meet before wedding. But neither of us, adhered to them. We went on a couple of dates. I met her friends, she met mine.One day, I was at her flat. Her roommate was also there. We were happily chatting away our time. Her friend suddenly said, that she needed to go out and get some groceries. She went away.
Now, both of us were all alone, in her flat and there was pin-drop silence. Both of us had been on a couple of dates before but we were never in such a situation before. To break the ice, she started talking about something. After a few minutes, there was again complete silence. She came close to me and kissed me on the cheek. I was awestruck. I was unable to fathom what just happened. She then told me to kiss her back. I was reluctant at first, but then I thought that she can consider breaking off the marriage because of this incident. I kissed her back on the cheek. They were simply small pecks as in what you give to a child.
After that she started hugging me and not like a normal hug, but those really tight hugs which you give to your partner. I also held her tight in my arms and was enjoying my newly found intimacy for the first time. Then the inevitable happened. I became rock hard under. The stick inside my pants had to steal away the joyful experience we were having. I pushed her back so as not to poke her and scare the shit out of her. By then, it was too late. She had realized that I was turned on.
She started undoing my shirt buttons and pulled away my pants. I was shit scared. I had watched porn before, but I was now clueless. She was leading the entire thing. We did it at that time. It was the first time for both of us and it felt really good.
After that day, we did it like rabbits. Sometimes at her place, sometimes at mine and sometimes we booked a room. We were both happy. We got married and on the night of our marriage we were both comfortable with each other. Having had sex before, neither of us were in a hurry. Moreover, we were so tired that we just slept.
We now have two beautiful daughters.
Another anonymous Quora user shared his experience:
“She was lying beside me and that is when the reality stuck. You don’t do sex just for the heck of it. It has to be enjoyed and felt and we both knew it wasn’t going to be the case.”
Going through the answers, one realizes that contrary to popular belief, there are so many couples out there who take their own time to get comfortable around each other’s existence. Sometimes, years. And even without a physically intimate relationship, these couples lead perfectly happy lives together.
Read more here.